All the signs

Everything points in the direction I want to go but have not gone. 

Why don’t I pay attention to these signs? I have no idea! 

Who am I?

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What is your duty?

I am such a ‘sac’ lol

What is our human duty:

  • Do we search for love or will it find us?
  • Do we decide what we are happy with of what we have?
  • If we want it can we rely just work for it?
  • What if we want something badly but it is not in the cards. We don’t know that but still would it still be worth the hard work we are about to put into it?
  • So many questions about success, wealth, status and how much thought do people put into the morality of the path they have to get there and how many turns they are going to make or will it “me or nothing”? 
  • Do you look out for your neighbor enough?
  • People often say you have to put effort int o get something out, but some people do not even have that urge/motivation/inspiration to even start… what do they do now?
  • Do we do thing ONLY because it will benefit us?
  • How much do you really thing about the next thing you are about to say?
  • etc
  • etc
  • etc

These things and many many more I ponder on about

Break up … Soliloquy

I was scared but now it is time for me to brave and face the music, one which I have been waiting too long with just a debate. A lonely debate, with one candidate, me.

Truth be told, I once loved and was wooed by your presence and the person you were, that person I loved, but obviously was not meant to be. We broke up once, we broke up twice, we broke up too many times. At last it was the finale, so I thought, so I now I got the chance to regain my independence, for with you, you were my all.

BUT 

You came back and it was gone. Short lived I thought it was, because in the beginning of the… 10th was it, or 27th, 31st… whichever time the last break up was you did woo me and showed me change but then it all happened too soon, you got too darn comfortable and that is how complacency seeps in. ALL TOO DARN SOON, I am not gonna lie my hopes were high and having someone there was just a merriment, I did not deny. 

You’re breaking my heart, one that once cleaned the stains you sprayed. Now before it’s too late, I WANT OUT and I want it NOW. The pain will remain but if it’s now we both shall save the graves. To weep less and regain more, this chance is an early door. Pain is not forever, we shall get pass this floor.

The Silent Jury

Invisible

Imaginary

Impossible to see

 

These laws

These rules

Were meant for you and me

 

Not just laws

But the ceilings we cannot see

 

look closely and it will be revealed

the rules in which live

not written or printed

 

but in the minds of our own

controlled and demented

 

Society looks in with decisive eyes

To see what we choose

and what we despise

 

Like a mumbling crowd

not words are heard

 

The Silent Jury

I don’t want to be a bad person

I am in a  relationship, but why? I HAVE NO IDEA

He is my ex and I did love him but HELL NO are things the same. 

So out of syc PLUS it is long distance.

Now back to my first why… I am going to try and conceive up some reasons and hopefully some good ones…

  • he come to visit me
  • he reminded me of something great***
  • for the first 2/3 weeks man I felt like I was about to fall in love again
  • when I see him ever again i know I will be in good hands no matter what (bad)

Everything that makes me wonder why in the first place:

  • he SUCKS at communication 
  • He sees his friend literally 24/7. I KID YOU NOT and when it comes to time with me, I beg for it. All we do is petty stupid text messages
  • I feel ignored and pushed to the side 
  • i don’t always find him physically attractive
  • I feel he is complacent about “us”
  • I don’t feel the love 80% of the time

BUT saying all that,  I can’t find it in me to break up with him -___- how silly can I sound?! 

Sigh I try not think about it but obviously I’m not doing a pretty good job am I

Working on my own, on me

Summer 2013 Day 7

May 22
 
Thats is today, I am on time yay. So as I was headed out, I got the we need to talk” from my aunt and as usual I dread it 😥 I have no idea what I am doing with my life right now! Lost is my who name. my initials and my nickname also. I made breakfast, fried dumplings and baked beans with “sausage” that sausage was nasty. ugh . wen tot work was 30 minutes early but o well. Did not have much to do but more than the previous day which was better, I was a bit more productive but, so it goes. <- thats from the book I am attempting to read right now. Soh came in with bad news that her best friend died, tragic I know but shit happens man I wish I had answers. Mr B is going to treat us to lunch yay! and um he shared his lunch with me. he is also going to barcelona excited for him. I am still depressed/stressed w/e u want to call it or me I should say lol, going crazy over here lol. left work and came straight home, decided to go to water polo training BUT the pool was closed thats what you get when you don’t train in a long time. then i walked back to the house and my aunt and uncle gave me the talk and brought up that night at July sigh. Anyways I was not about to cry no i decided I will not. I wasn’t completely honest and I feel guilty for that. Anyhow now I am going to watch the last harry potter movie and saw how the night fairs out. 

 

Summer 2013 Day 5

May 20
 
I woke up eerily and looked at the clock it said 7 but I got out of bed at 11 and then when I got out then of bed aunt carl and was headed to sear with uncle ji to look for a dryer. I would have gone with them but I was about to rush or make them wait. So they left and I showerd and had breakfast. Bacon, eggs and toast. I then started to clean up my book shelf and recycled old papers etc. then i went to get my hair done with aunt carlene then the hairdresser was closed BUMMER so we went to get our nails done. Then we went to the airport and then we went to visit aunt con then I did nots stay but went to meet fenta in Dupont circle then we had a drink played some pool it was fun the hung out at the circle and chatted until 12 🙂 I told her about cookie and she is so amused lol 🙂 I love her she is too cute. We then went back to her place where she got the car and dropped me home.  I am home and watching big bang theory. Man I need to start doing the algebra online now!!!
 
May 21st : Day 6 DNE lol I forgot